The Heart of A Child

Was online most of the morning researching my congenital heart defect which, in less scarier terminology, is more specifically labeled a PFO. Had been undergoing a lot of symptoms that elude to the fact that I might need to peruse closure of it more aggressively instead of continuing with aspirin therapy to treat it. And so we've been at a cross road the last several weeks in regard to making a decision. With that said as I usually do with most things... been researching and looking into other people who seem to have complications from this condition as well and been trying to digest it all rather intensely.

My oldest who is eleven came in while I was deeply involved in a video on the procedure and asked me innocently why I was watching the footage. I informed my little one that Momma was looking into her heart condition to try to understand things better. At that time my Precious Jules proceeded to explain some things to me and very matter of factually I might add. I thought I'd share the memory on here with all of you. My eleven year old said "Mommy, why are you watching all of that, it's just making you sad. Don't be sad Mommy. If God wants you to live (reaching down and touching my chin) you WILL LIVE MOMMY (what a powerful proclamation...then continued...) I can't explain what I mean and I know I sound like I'm not making sense with my words, but what I'm trying to say is He knows you have a husband and Children, you will live, if it's His will of course.....try not to be so sad."

?????

Did this enlightenment just pour out of the incredible creature I was blessed to birth? Did my child really share with such Faith and wisdom at eleven the power of her God with me?.... In that moment I just bawled and little on held me in arm. What a gift and what a beautiful reminder for me to hang on, to trust, to know God is with me thru all of it. I thank Him for my amazing Precious Jules and this moment we shared by ourselves, just us two together. Parent and child as it is with this situation with me and God and my health...the two of us dealing with it together. My Parent/My God.


Matthew 18 GWT: 3 Then he said to them, "I can guarantee this truth: Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Whoever becomes like this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5And whoever welcomes a child like this in my name welcomes me. 6"These little ones believe in me.

Just Love while you here, while you're able....

People try to come up with a recipe for Love, so many books, so many songs,so many seminars, so many movies. At the end of the day the answer is centering Love with God. I have rode thru many storms the last 19 years with an amazing friend, one who like myself, found God at a time when we could have lost what Love really is. We are blessed to know Him together; to have raised our beautiful Jules in Him together, and to ride together. Ride or Die I always tell him...plan to do that until we can't any more. We try our best to send each other notes thru out the week, reminders of the Love God has blessed us with. I pray my words might one day be a glimpse to Him concerning what I feel for God blessing me with my Sweetheart (meeting your spouses needs when they are healthy is tough, takes a lot of work and that makes you wonderful...meeting your spouses needs when they have chronic illness...is tougher and that makes you a miracle from the Lord)....I love my miracle from God.

My Note To Hubby:

I am so truly thankful for you. I love you. Sometimes my mind is
full of a deep sadness and God uses you to remind me to remember His
love for me. I thank you for being my companion on life's journey. No
one on this earth in this life time has ever cared for me more than you
and I am so blessed to have experienced that before going home to the
Father. I am so thankful we rode thru storms together my love.

Love you always and several days more,
GPJ


I'd write His response back but he'd get me good for publishing his sweet words...they are meant for my eyes and God's eyes alone and that's okay with me. :)


Stay strong friends, God is generous and amazing. He is Rich with Love and desires to show us it each and everyday no matter what form.

-GPJ

Psalm 124 Reflection

I am truly blessed to have risen to a new day and I pray I may show that appreciation by not just words but in action....Reflecting back I wouldn't change a thing about this last year. No matter the physical challenges or health setbacks God kept me safe and I felt His nearness at all times. He remains and will remain Faithful. I appreciate His loving Children showing me His Joy thru their comforting prayers, use of His Wisdom, and Love thru deeds. May God continue to bless their hands and feet richly. Blessed Be the Lord.

Here's my Scriptural Reflection for not this day but every day:

(NLT) Psalm 124: 1What if the LORD had not been on our side?
Let all Israel repeat:
2What if the LORD had not been on our side
when people attacked us?
3They would have swallowed us alive
in their burning anger.
4The waters would have engulfed us;
a torrent would have overwhelmed us.
5Yes, the raging waters of their fury
would have overwhelmed our very lives.
6Praise the LORD,
who did not let their teeth tear us apart!
7We escaped like a bird from a hunter’s trap.
The trap is broken, and we are free!
8Our help is from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

more precious than gold

Wow, it's been 8 months since the confusion started with my health. It feels like yesterday, but I marvel at the Lord sustaining me so readily and so mightily thru this trial regardless of the storm. It has truly been a lesson in the power of remaining in Faith towards Him. There were times when I felt I could have gone mad mentally from the questions, set backs, and lack of answers yet thru His might I am gaining more and more clarity each day. So here we are today several emergency room visits, three cardiologist, three medical doctors, two neurologist and one Fixed and capable God later I now know more of what has been going on and what might have potentially triggered the TIA back in the winter of 2011.

My husband and I are now with a very wonderful team of fresher faces that are trying to get to the bottom of my blood pressure crisis, chest pain, speech issues, and migraine frequency. And after multiple tests, lots of blood work, and bouts with exhaustion the latest finding is a missed PFO. This is great to finally know about it but it was hard to believe it went undetected so long since I had a heart murmur most of my childhood and was born with a hole in the lung. However, the more I learn about the connection between PFO and chronic migraines the more I realize it is the grace of God that allowed the connections to be formed at all.

Right now they are running several more test to verify the BP crisis have not been the result of the body dealing with any other form of disease, but the good news is if necessary the latest Dr. I am seeing will attempt closure of the hole if it comes down to it. That will hopefully alleviate some of the forms of pain I have been in. But he is being careful and proceeding slowly. Since I developed heart disease at a fairly young age, he is not interested in touching the heart muscle until some other things come to light. So I am taking it day to day.

As is the case with many people who have PFO's that are not extremely large they have started aspirin therapy in addition to my other drug therapies. I have noted improvements in my cholesterol numbers and pressure issues and have even found the frequency of the head pain to have slowed a bit. All things I cannot express how thankful to God I am about. So here I stand waiting, working on trusting, and appreciative. Recognizing more and more what is truly important in life and that is preparation for the life that is eternal. My husband and children have been an amazing support system thru out this nightmare and I could not have come this far without their love, support, and strength. God has been so good to me for giving me these precious Jules.


Be strong all, be courageous, this life is temporary there is something better for those who have Faith. There's something wonderful if we continue to cling to the Father. Praying for you friends!

1 Peter 1: 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Taking another break....

Many of us blog to encourage & or share various parts of our lives we wouldn't other wise have been able to share with people. Away to show we care for one another. I appreciate all of the people I've gotten to know or gotten to know better via this avenue.

Unfortunately, I am no longer able to participate in all of that regularly anymore. I have some medical issues that need attention (I know God is working) and so I wont be blogging for awhile.

Try to remember GOd's love. I share my story because I know how illness can make you feel isolation, but God removes the sadness that comes from chronic pain when we turn to Him. God is a good loving God who allowed His son to die for our sins so that we can have a chance at new life. What a blessing it is that in order to experiences that newness He shows us the wonderful way. All we have to do is choose to accept it. We just need to reach out and grab hold of this gift by confessing Jesus as Lord, repenting of our sins, and being Baptized as we learn to walk in His ways by continually readying ourselves with His scriptures.(1Corinthians 15:1-4 and Acts 2:38.) That is my comfort, may you allow yourself to feel that same comfort too by taking Him up on His offer.

So here's my last shout out on here for just awhile,I hope,smile. Happy Anniversary to one of the best people I've ever known...it's been wonderful experiencing unimaginable blessings with you regardless of the storms. I am thankful for our God and our marriage. Love and blessing to all!

Again may I refer to this scripture.... Ephesians 3:20 (GOD’S WORD Translation)
3:20 Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine

Love,
GPJ

...and your postive I'm not dreaming.

Here’s something I wrote as I’ve struggled the last 24 hours with processing the information I was given when I got a call from my cardiac nurse yesterday. She's amazing, but I kept feeling like, "Are you sure you meant me? maybe that's the wrong test results your looking at." ;-) As much as I was thankful someone finally had some news for me, I couldn't help wanting to ask..."and your positive I'm not dreaming?" Here's what I wrote to help negate my fears over the matter....

"The succor of Christ fades all apprehension away and the Glory of the image is made luminous; emotion's distortion no longer hides the truth of it's Light...Spirtual eyes take note and view for yourself...behold...'tis The Predominate Hand of God" -Given Precious Jules


See over the last several months as pain, discomfort, and health issues started to magnify, after pressure spikes, and hospitalizations I was growing tired, but praise God we are now finally getting some clarity. We've even been learning the last several days that quite a few signals were potentially life threatening and just how much it was the Hand of God that was guiding things is incredible. I am so thankful for all the hidden ways God had orchestrated this last exposure.

After suffering the blow that I was not with the right general MD a few months back I started asking my neuro for help because I felt bombarded with everything. No one could put their finger on what was going on. So she agreed with me about moving on to find a new doctor, but recommended that I find a cardiologist in the meanwhile if nothing else because my pressure was doing so poorly. During this same time frame my husband just happen to be wrapping up some cardiologist appointments because of a fluke on his routine ekg and so I decided to try the same cardiologist.

Praise God all his test went well for Him. We started to realize the ekg was not a fluke after all, rather it was the hand of God exposing and working out things for me. We could now grasp it was God that lead me to this doctor and that it was actually to help provide the right care for me. To think if not for my husband's doctor sending him to a specialist, if not for me declinging to continue working with my general MD, and if not for talking to my neurologist....I would have never learned I had some things going on with one of my carotid arteries. If not for them deciding to think out of the box and run one non standard test because of my symptoms,I’d probably still be living in the ignorance. Wow, God is so generous.

Don’t get me wrong, I was blessed to be getting routine blood work over the years and the last ten years I’ve been blessed to have regular MRI's of the head for my chronic migraines, but only this doctor thought to ignore my age and check the carotid artery. I am certain it was only God who led him to do that. How amazing it is to realize God has been watching over me despite the months of confusion. This explains much of the increase in speech, memory, and visual issues that no one else had been able to put their finger on.

{Because migraine is such a terrible disease that induces many of the same symptoms of other disease not too many people (accept my neuro) thought much of what has been happening with me over the last several months. I did try sharing things were intensifying, but I guess I didn't push hard enough and that is the danger of chronically suffering from this disease. At times many of us are not understood when we feel it might be something else going on because it seems like the same old experience. Please know what ever your suffering with you have the right to ask for testing and follow up. Don't be paranoid, but don't let anyone make you feel crazy either. You are your best advocate for your body...but anyway rant over...God is amazing.}

So now we wait, I have one more important test and all we can do is pray and hope for good news with it. ((SIGH))...this is indeed happening... however, the good news is this isn't news to God. As my girlfriend mentioned to me through the sadness, He's always been in charge of what's happening. I'll need to trust because if He has been working so mightily in the silence how much more now that things are layed out in the open for me. All in all this has been transforming.

I don’t plan on going anywhere,may that be His will, but I am more willing to recognize these bodies are not meant to be lasting…. life is fragile and whatever our road we have to prepare for the after. I am not playing a game, I want to sit at His feet one day. If I want that then I'll have to cling to Him learning to let go of the fears that try ensnaring me....though it's okay to feel fear He doesn't want us living there in it. Let's trust Him, know Him, understand that even when our eyes are not fully aware of all that He is working or all the danger He is working through… may we just know He is working...always working… And as we wait on His work, His glorious will to be done, may we draw near the Father. He can and will take the fear away for the believer:

"1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment...19 We love because he first loved us." (ESV)

Let it Be

Today was long, very, very long, but you know it’s not even a blink compared to my future time sitting at the Father’s feet. Gotta keep perspective....

Okay so here is where we’re at right now; this last two weeks we got some promising news concerning my newest meds. They seem to be helping multiple ailments and my BP is finally stable for the first time in three long months. Unfortunately, I need to add an additional med for something else and so I am praying along with that won’t come additional side effects. I am going to stay hopeful. In the end I have to do what is helpful to our family as a whole.

Praise God my speech has really been improving, although it hasn’t been clear to the Neuro yet whether it is migraine related or something else, she is working so very diligently with me. I am so thankful for her. She is one of my few consistent Doctors in my treatment that listens to me the person, not me “one of many” patients she sees. That is rare. And I worship with a wonderful group of people that have really been handing this over for me to the Lord. I truly can see the difference in my memory and speech issues. I am not transposing words as much anymore and I am not having as much memory or vision problems as I have been the last couple of weeks. …So I’m encouraged.

However, of course you know that does not mean there’s not plenty going on right? Smile. Right as I finally start accepting that it is the Lord's wheel for me to be home for a while and started absorbing the fact that I am going to try to home school again, my ex-boss lets me know I always have a place at her school if I want to come back. Then the following day I get a phone call for another interview at a School closer to my home one I had been praying about for months before I got very ill. Ugh!! Though my mind should have seen these options as blessings I immediately felt shame, and disappointment that I can't physically do that in this hour. But my loving Husband reminded me all will work itself out thru God's mighty hands, let me share....

My best friend gave me the most wonderful advice today when I was anxiously trying to wake Jesus during the storm…He said, “Let it be, if this is a blessing from God and this timing won’t allow for you to reach out and grab it right now, just let it be. If it is truly from God it will be there when it is meant to be picked up by you; God is control.” ...I love falling in Love with my husband! :-)